Useless Popcorn Machines of the 21st Century: An Exposé

Popcorn is a regular event in our household. It's always been a popular choice in our family, and up until a couple years ago we were using a glorious relic of a popcorn machine circa 1982 -- given as a gift to my parents for their wedding. It was a sad day when that machine was retired, but truthfully I looked forward to seeing what innovations in air popping had been developed over the past 25 years.

Answer: None. 


In fact, it seems like they've gone backwards in development. I miss the old machine like you wouldn't believe, and since it's death we've used three different popcorn machines - all will the same sub-standard results. To prove to you the riduclousness of these new machines I offer you the following photo documentation:

The cast of characters: Machine, bowl, popcorn, butter, salt. Exactly what you would expect to need for some quality air-popped popcorn.

One measures the popcorn, puts it in the machine and turns on the device.

Look! The first kernel arrives!

Six minutes later, this is the result of unsupervised popping. 

Scientific explanation: The machine is not tall enough, and it sends hot kernels of corn flying out of the machine to explode in mid air, or worse, upon impact with the rest it's popped friends in the bowl, sending them flying everywhere. Popcorn kernels hit the roof, and also fly to the other side of our kitchen, much to the delight of onlookers.


But wait, there's more!


This is not the worst of it, my friends. At the bottom of the unassuming bowl of popcorn, lies dozens of unpopped kernels, the unfortunate result of being expelled prematurely! 


Here is Part 2:

The additional cast of characters: Another bowl, tea towel, responsible supervisory hands.

Remove all the popped corn from the first bowl, and put in the second bowl.

Look at all these unpopped kernels!

Dump the unpopped kernals back in the machine for round two.

Turn machine on. Carefully hold tea towel to contain the rebellious kernels and prevent your kitchen from turning into a disaster, while at the same time not covering the machine vents, which will overheat the machine and/or melt the plastic cover.

These rogue beasts escaped! Even with supervision, death threats, and a tea towel!

Four minutes later: check out all this popcorn that would have been thrown out if there was no round two!

I am happy because I have a massive bowl of popcorn. But on the inside, I am sad because it required much more work than should be necessary.

And that my friends, is what happens here five nights a week. This explains why 80% of what we sweep off the kitchen floor is popcorn related. It does not explain why it appears that NO ONE ACTUALLY TESTS THE MACHINES. Surely,having a kitchen covered in popcorn is not the peak of 21st century innovation, especially considering this machines were bested by a 1982 model. 


This exposé is completely endorsed by Roxanne and is a serious situation that could be affecting hundreds or thousands of other families world-wide. The time for change is now, my friends. Demand better popping machines!