The Christmas Gift Awards

Although this Christmas didn't produce a story like the Sun Peaks Tale, it did produce some memorable Christmas gifts, most of which were carefully collected from the thrift store. So instead of a summary of Christmas events, I present the 2010 Christmas Gift Awards:

Best Decorative Art: Still Life

A portrait of bread, milk, eggs, and wheat. I gave this to Sam, our downstairs roommate. Most of the time he eats two-minute noodles. Sometimes he adds an egg and calls it pad thai. I suggested he add peanut butter and call it satay. I thought he would like a picture of the foods he's not eating.

Most Useless Gift: VHS Rewinder

Remember VHS? Remember when these were useful? And now...so completely useless. Ponder your own mortality as you realize that in ten years, you could be rendered as completely useless and obsolete as this relic.

Best Used Gift: Turkey Carcass

Okay, so it wasn't a gift. But unwrapping it after Christmas made it feel like one. 

Most Useful: Goldfish and Syrup

1.36 kg of Goldfish Crackers and 2 L of maple syrup. Somebody's been to Costco!

Most Unfortunately Appropriate: Wall Plaque

My darling sister gave this to me. Little did she know, I had my own cat-related gift waiting for her:

Most Hilarious Gift: Dancing with Cats

I found this little gem on the internet. Stumbled on it one day, knew Roxanne would love it, and ordered a copy off ebay. This is a serious book. It was seriously published, and at one point someone bought this in a very serious way. It features actual cat owners dancing with their cats. The pictures are priceless, and at least three family members had tears rolling down cheeks as we flipped through the pages. The  I've prepared some excerpts for you, dear readers, to enjoy from the comfort of your own home. The captions really speak for themselves.

“Sometimes the energy is so powerful I worry about overstimulating my aura. At those levels, an unstable ethereal oscillation could collapse into an astral vortex and suck my spiritual reserves into a state of negative sub-matter.”

“I adopt the form of a bird because I want to feel vulnerable, like the naive little creature I once was...Zoot treats me like he would a bird. He leaps about and showers me with attention, when in reality he only wants one thing – to dominate, consume, and move on.”

“During their preliminary warm up, as they roll and rub together, the cat will frequently pay special attention to one area of Ivan’s body. It will even curl up and try to sleep on it, no matter how uncomfortable."

My favourite picture in the book. Really...where did they find these people?

Best Retro Gift: 50 Fun Ways to Internet

The title seems reasonable. Fifty fun ways to internet. Published in 1995. When the internet was a toddler. It was written post-netscape, and pre-internet explorer. As far as I can tell, it's about how to use the internet without a browser (wtf) and just by typing "commands" and scrolling through "directories". What fun! And believe it or not, none of the fifty ways are porn. 

The book uses many synonyms for the internet. There are (still) commonly used ones like "net", "web", and "cyberspace". Then there are these long-forgotten (never used?) gems: "electrosphere", "netland", and "cybersphere". Electrosphere! Hilarious.

Here are some more delightful excerpts:

"There's a lot more to the Net than chat lines and flaming. It's not all about kinky sex, space aliens and Melrose Place."

"If you're interested in informing your fellow netnauts about yourself, you've got to have a plan - or, more specifically, a .plan file." Netnauts! I'll be sure to use that gem more often. Other phrases for internet uses featured in this book: "infonauts", "netlanders", "net traveler", and "cyberians".

"If you want to cavort with furry animals in a virtual wonderland, telnet to 138.74.0.10 8888, the home of FurryMUCK...billed as 'the first anthropomorphic' MUD-like world...you can expect to join your fellow furries in building a virtual life with others who think it's cool to pretend they're furry and wild."

"Muli-User Dungeon (or Dimension), MUDs rank among the coolest, most inventive things in cyberspace...decide on your race (human, elf, dwarf or hobbit), and select various attributes for your character." Oh, that's good to know. The internet was spawning basement-dwelling losers as early as 1995! Before World of Warcraft!

Creepiest Christmas Decoration: Pedophile Bear

Look! It's a cute little Christmas bear. Kind of like a stocking! 

See, you just put treats in his overalls! Come here little children, just reach down the front of my pants...there's a treat for you! 

Oh look, there's even a back door option!

And that, my fellow netnauts, concludes the 2010 electrosphere version of the Christmas Gift Awards. If this hasn't inspired you to complete most of your Christmas/birthday shopping at your local thrift store, I'm not sure what will. Happy hunting!